Swaziland: Getting Just What I Wanted

Instructions for the use of this short story: 1. Play the music. 2. Read the story. 3. Rinse. 4. Repeat.

James Galway/John Georgiadis/Munich Radio Orchestra - Canon in D major, instrumental arrangement

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     Like most little girls, I spent hours upon hours of my childhood fantasizing about my wedding.[1] I’d line up my stuffed animals and march them triumphantly down the aisle to the imaginary applause of many soft paws.[2] I’d lift the pillowcase veil from the girl animal’s face, seal the wedding with a kiss and then ensure that they fulfilled their contractual obligations.[3] Of course, problems would arise when there weren’t enough males to go around, but I don’t think the one male My Little Pony I had minded terribly that he had to have a harem.[4]

     With all these animal weddings I was busy conducting as a child, it’s no wonder that my vision of my own wedding also involves animals. And I’m not talking about releasing white doves over the arch, either. Fuck birds, no, I’m talking about leopards.

     That’s right, leopards.

     If there’s one reason I’ve never tied the knot it’s that I never found the appropriate outfit for the official wedding leopard. And I’ve looked, believe me, I want this wedding to happen more than anybody.

     One day, I was walking down the street and I saw this vision of beauty in the window of the local bridal shop.

     I’m ready now. Somebody come marry me. 

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[1] No, I did not.

[2] Once. White Fur and Fluffy got married. All my other stuffed animals continued living in sin.

[3] Yes.

[4] I had 4 Barbies and 1 Ken, too. Guess who also had a harem.